Weddings etc

P and I went to a wonderful wedding on Saturday, in Warwickshire. The groom studied Engineering with P and the bride was at my college, but they didn't meet (like we did) at university and only afterwards, through some mutual friends. It made me wonder how often one meets/nearly crosses paths with someone who later on in one's life will become incredibly important. I think it's quite lovely to imagine sitting on the bus or being at the same party as one's future spouse without knowing! It was also the first wedding I've attended since P and I were married, and witnessing the vows somehow seemed different; I listened to them intently and they meant so much more, because I remembered repeating them and saying them out loud to my beloved.

I love the ritual of weddings, and I love how the traditions are melded with the idiosyncrasies of the individuals. We all gathered at the local pub before heading to Church, and following the marriage (and the bride and groom zooming off in an Aston Martin) we drove to a most gorgeous manor house where the reception was held. There was a cream tea laid on, boules to be played in the garden, and gingerbread men and ladies to decorate. The was a rather heavy French contingent, and their children were completely elegant even in toddlerhood! It was lovely to catch up with friends, whom I miss dreadfully having moved away from London. I also felt chuffed because it was the first event to which I had been where I could categorically say that I will be doing something post MA, and to say I shall be doing a PhD, the very thing I've wished to do for years, was the icing on the cake. And even those scientists who normally baulk at Arts PhDs were pretty impressed by the idea of researching taverns in Renaissance drama, and several offered to help me!

The wedding was marvellous fun, but also sad, because the groom's mother had died unexpectedly only 10 days previously. I've been to a couple of weddings now, including my own, where one of the parents of those getting married had died not long before, and I think in each one, that that person remained a strong presence. It's hard to strike a balance between honouring their memory and including them in the ceremony and celebrations, and making the day seem more maudlin than merry, but I think in every instance that I have experienced, that balance has been achieved. The giver of the address at the wedding this weekend used an analogy that I have never heard before, but one which spoke to me: of a tree having been cut down with a tree stump left in its stead. I love that he grasped the tangible presence of a loved one who is no longer here; and I love that the description allows for the roots of that tree to exist after it has been cut down.

Every day is a struggle without my mother, and momentous occasions are no harder to cope with than any other time. I remember her telling me that grief grabs one when one least expects it, and it may be seeing a dress in M&S which she would have loved that sets me off. But a marriage, a birth, a death, all these events are when the loss of someone close is both felt perhaps more keenly, and with more purpose, and certainly in a more public fashion. The groom's speech on Saturday was exceptional, in his obvious adoration of his new wife, and also in his missing his mother. I was so proud of my friend, for bravely celebrating the happiness and acknowledging the sadness of the day.